Wednesday, April 16, 2014


As I come to terms with the fact that my lung disease will not get better, I must learn to face fear. How does one do that? How do you stand your ground, knowing how you are losing the battle, and not be scared? 

Denying the reality doesn't do any good. I like to know things. I like to plan. I'm a planner. I want answers. I want a deadline. I'm not getting one. For me, not knowing makes the fear worse. So how do I deal with that? 

I think, in part, it's about focusing on what I love. Spending time with family and friends I love. Finding a way to DO anything at all that I love; that gives me happiness and joy. Sitting outside on the deck with my Mom one day last week was glorious! The sun shining, watching the birds and seeing the very tiny signs of Spring trying to sprout forth. I loved it. Today I sat in my office and just spent some time looking out the window enjoying the beauty of nature right outside my own home. It made me smile. 

This is a work in progress. I doubt I'll master it, but I will work on it. This quote resonated with me and my niece will love it too. But I feel it is also true. I wish I had never gotten sick, but there is nothing to be done about that. So in the meantime, what do I do with the time given to me? Make the most of it. That, I guess, is how I will find a way of facing my fears.

(Frodo)  I wish all this had never happened.  
(Gandalf)  So do all who live to see such times but that is not for us to decide.  All that we must decide is what to do with the time that is given. - The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien 

Music from The Lord of the Rings


  1. I am guessing they are not going to do the transplant? I am so sorry Catherine. What I have come to terms with is where I am in my walk with Jesus Christ. So many people in the past, have expected me to act a certain way. They would judge me and say I am not a Christian. But I believe that our relationship with God is a personal relationship. We don't have to shout it from the roof tops. God knows our hearts. My prayer for you is that God himself gives you comfort. Sometimes at night, when I am really afraid, I pray. Or I will hold my Bible close to my heart. It's knowing that I will spend an eternity with God and that when I get to Heaven I will have NO more pain and a brand new body, but also that I will get to meet God and ask him all the questions I ever wanted to know, and walk with him, and honor and praise him, simply because I love him. The Bible says that our lives are just a vapor here. I truly believe that. Praying for you.

    1. Sariah; Thank you for your kind words of comfort. I still have not heard from the second transplant team but I know that I will not meet their criteria based on the increase in one of my medications to keep me stable. I am at peace with that. Thank you for your prayers; they mean a lot to me.