Why is it that everything is worse at night when you are sick? You can seem to do OK during the day. You think maybe you might be making progress; there are distractions. Then the night comes, and your symptoms are worse and your fears return and you can't fall asleep. All those drugs mess with my ability to sleep. I cannot breathe laying down, so I must attempt to sleep sitting up. With oxygen tubing on my face. Yeah, that isn't annoying.
So I stare into the darkness. Listening to the humming in the next room. Wondering what is going to be. Is the medication doing what it's supposed to do? Is it stopping this awful disease from getting worse? Will it work? For how long?
Close my eyes, repeat my positive affirmation. Try to switch focus and hope I will fall asleep. Sleep. So precious and so taken for granted until you can't. If I can just fall asleep, the brain will shut down and I will get a respite from all those thoughts and the whirring noise in the next room.
I reach out to see if the cat is there. She is and I pet her. It's comforting and relaxing to have her laying next to me. Focus on the purring of the cat as I pet her instead of the noise in the other room.
Eventually sleep will come. Well, some nights it does. So now I just sleep whenever it overtakes me. Day or night. I'll sleep whenever I can. Whenever my mind quiets itself and allows me the relief that sleep brings.