MAN, THIS IS HARD!

Staying positive. Man, this is hard. I've had a super rough week and felt myself sinking in the swamp of negativity. 

It started with Rehab this past Thursday. I got home and did not feel well at all. They are pushing me, I am trying to push myself so I regain as much muscle strength as possible and I feel I overdid it. By the time I got home I was struggling to breathe, was in pain, exhausted and could hardly hold myself upright. I went to bed that night and for once I actually fell asleep right away.

Thursday, midnight. The house phone rings. Mom comes to tell me it's Loyola calling for me. They have a lung and I should leave for the hospital right away. So the family plan kicks into high gear and we gather what we need and get on the road to the hospital. We were instructed to go to the E.R. and tell them I was there for a Lung Transplant and when we arrived I was whisked right through, taken up to a floor and, as before, preparation for surgery began. Put on the hospital gown; put in TWO I.V.'s, draw blood, get a chest X-Ray and meet with the anesthesiologist. I felt very encouraged after talking with the anesthesiologist and we were all expecting this time was my time.

Of course, as we all know, they always warn us there is a chance it might not happen, and the fact that I am writing this Blog should be your first clue that I did not get my transplant that night. By 6A.M. the Transplant Coordinator called and said she had bad news. The lung was not worthy of being transplanted so I would not get my transplant tonight. I could go home.

The last time I was called in, I was a back up and had no expectations. But this time, the call was for ME. This was to be MY lung. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. I actually began to believe it would happen. So when it didn't, it was a lot harder this time than the last.

They moved quickly this time to let me get out and get home. The I.V.'s were removed and I got dressed and we headed out for home. I got to bed around 7:30AM and slept for several hours.

Friday was a hard day for me. I was very down in the dumps. I really felt this was my turn and the disappointment hit me hard.

Yesterday was not a good day. I felt physically worse than ever. I couldn't breathe, had a headache, felt sleepy even though I had slept well the night before. I nearly fell down on my way back from the bathroom I was so wobbly. 

Time for me to dig deep. Dig deeper than ever before. I must climb out of the swamp of disappointment and negativity and muster the power of positive thinking. So I've been working on putting together a Positive Affirmation, using listening to my music to lift my spirits. Before bed, I asked my Mother to take my hands and together we repeated three times: "I WILL get my transplant!"; "I WILL get my transplant!"; "I WILL get my transplant!". I am going to do this every night before I go to bed until I get my transplant.

I typed up my positive affirmation and it sits by me on the table next to my chair where I can see it all day and reflect on it as often as I want. This is it.

My Lung Transplant WILL happen;

I am strong;

I can heal;

I am healing;

I am  getting healthier;

I am getting better;

My health is improving;

I am healthy;

I am peaceful.

It's been a rough week for sure. It feels like I'm sinking in quicksand. But I am doing everything I can to stay positive. 

Man, this is hard.

"Think Good Thoughts" - Colbie Caillat